DUUUUDE SEX MEME!!
I'm certain I've done this one up already but sex is fun to talk about so here we gOOOOOOOO000 OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BOY WHATS FOR DINNER I HOPE SHEMADE LOTSA SPAGHETTII!111
1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
"Friends list," eh? Um, contacts? Or just friends you mean? Yeah I'd consider it with a friend or two, *ahem* Let that apple of dischord land there, you dudes're all gonna be like "OMG who does he mean...me...? Her? Wha?"
2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
All three, please. I like long weekends of lounging, cuddling, and oftentimes, sexing it up over and over.
3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I ain't got a big enough bed and this ain't nothin' to do with no sex maymmmmmm DAYUMMMM NEPHEW
4. Do you masturbate?
Lots! My ex was all "MEH. I dun masturbate, no no no!" So I was like "OK hon!" but inside I was like "AHHH-HAHH!!! You are a liar, muahahaha"
5. How often? Lately?
Lots! Lately, yes! Last night as a matter of fact but not to finish, TMI LAND HOORAY
6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
No, ah ha ha I would tho'!!! TOTALLY I'd do that shit, even for like $5! Money's good, broseph!
7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
Showers of ... pow...power..... ?
8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Yeah, it's kinda lame but I would totally do that again. Just sneek in behind someone all like "let's rockit" (has that stupid Herbie Hancock song stuck in his head, thinks of the '80s)
9. Do you watch/read pornography?
Yep! Lots! I hate studio porn because it's lame as fucking lame-ass hipsters all fuckin' sitting around outside concerts waiting for the band to play that "one" song so they go rushing back in only then. Lame as hell. And the chicks and dudes are ugly fucking ugglers. Fuck'em. But amateur? Like, "I'mma take some photos w/my boyfriend!" or whatever types? FUCK YEAHRRRRRGHH
10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
I like both, but I gotta say "passive" must be the wrong term. I mean, do they just sit there like a limp, dead fish?
"Might as well. *keeps reading*"
Fuck that shit
11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
"Friends list" again. I love friends--as in, like, I care about 'em because they're my friends! But "in love" love?! Whaaaa?
12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
Jeezus dude this friends list shit has to stop, I don't social network really
13. Would you choose love or money?
I would bitterly say "money" but it's not true
14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
ORAL ORAL and ORAL. Giving and getting. Fuckin love going down!!
I also love cum and love to see it on my lover or get all wet n juicy or whatever.
Nibbling is great too
15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Yeah. I was all kinds of not happy sextime that I shouldn't talk about because it'll bring everyone down, but let's just say non-happy stuff happened and it doesn't happen anymore. Other'n that, like, I been groped sometimes by gross-ass dudes or chicks at the bar next door to my jazz bar before and that is definitely gross and not cool in any way, shape, or form but I'm usually the sheepish guy who just kinda chuckles and thinks "FUCKING GROSS"
16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Romantic? Outdoors in my favorite park (it's not a city park really but like nestled into the mountains with a stream and woods and nature and shit). Coyotes came near us, too. It was really late and we weren't supposed to be there. BUT IT KICKED ASSSSSSS YEAHHHRRGHHHHH *man-grunts*
17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Weirdest, eh? Prolly in front of a camera once and I'm not giving more details but lemme just say that was weird and it involved things going on the internet I'd rather delete if I had superpowers
18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
ALLLLMOST, like one time I came downstairs w/my gal and Ma came in and was like "Oh hello" and it was like "Oh shit" because gee, what could we have been doin in my bedroom when she was away, you know? NO!!!!!!! NONONOONONNO Film at 11. Maybe not.
19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes, it FUCKING SUCKED ASS.
OK kiddies, story time.
So Santa Barbara is the most BORING PLACE IN HISTORY!! I went there for college and it was like I was floating in some limbo wondering what life was like. Anyway, everything's almost always closed and it's all so shitty you don't care if it's open or not in the first place.
So my friend's like, "Hey man let's go walk State Street" (read: the only street that has anything on it practically besides crappy housing) and so like he drove me down there and was like "What's over here?" and "Let's turn here!" and shit.
Eventually we end up at this shit strip club his fucking juvenile-minded ass goes to all the time (sorry bro but you know you're a kid at heart) and like I'm all "FFFFFFFuck no" and he's like "hee hee!!"
He claims there's no cover charge and so I'm like "OK just get it over with" and in we go.
There is a cover.
So I'm like "No"
And he's like "I'll pay!!"
So in we go.
Contents of wallet: $0
The bar chick is like "You want a drink?" so he buys me a Coke (real generous dude) and I'm sitting there, watching porn on one TV, but the news on the other. Some chick's all spreadin her vag. I'm like "OK." He's standing right in front of her like this 8D OMFG I'm not even kidding that's what that emoticon was made for.
He turns to me and says, "Weird, huh!?!"
I'm like "Not weird, man, just kinda lame."
And then he sneaks off to get lapdances, some chick comes and keeps propositioning me to buy lapdances, I have no money, I tell them many times I have no money, she dances, I don't pay attention, she gets pissed, he comes out and offers a lapdance because he's getting ANOTHER ONE WTF and ...
Suffice it to say it was lame and gross and it smelled like fog machines and was lame.
20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
YES OMGGGGGGgggggGGGgGG No
I mean, what??
How does one do this? I must go to the wrong bars because I go there and meet folks and meet chicks even, but it's not hook-up land. I guess I don't go to clubs where they grind on each other like the news warned me my teenage daughter is doing (Wow, I have a teen-aged daughter? Thanks news! Now I gotta go hire a private dick to find that beyotch and be like, on Geraldo all reunioned. Geraldo's relevant, right?)
21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
YEAH CUZ I FUCKIN HAD SO MUCH SEX ON THE BARRRRRGHHH I WAS LIKE "LET'S DO THIS!!!" BUT THEY WERE IN SUCH AWE THEY COULDN'T KICK ME OUT THEY WERE JUST LIKE "GO MAN GO1!!!!"
22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
Lots of times but it never went nowheres because I'm not RANDOM SEX MAN
23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
24. What's your sexuality?
I love chicks!! THo' I honestly have had experience the other way. I'm bi like 80/20 for chicks o somethin.
25. Had sex in a movie theater?
No, but I mean, fondling sure
26. Had sex in a bathroom?
NO FUCK THAT--wait, yeah! My own!
27. Have you ever had sex at work?
I've MASTURBATED at work but that's because I work alone ha ha ha
28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
Yep! Plenty of times! They're lame but well-stocked in fodder for puerile sniggering
29. Bought something from an adult store?
Yes! KY Jelly
30. Do you own any sex toys?
31. If yes, how many and what are they?
32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Yep! You want some?? Just send me $$!! lol
33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
34. Have you ever had phone sex?
Yeah, it was awkward lol Skype isn't as awkward but I can't say I'm Mr. Man About Town there, neither
35. Have you ever had cyber sex?
Yeah, tons of times, it's not like real sex dudes lol
36. Do you think oral sex constitutes a form of intercourse?
Naturally! It should! It's fucking crazy worth getting a promotion from just an "activity."
37. What's your favorite sexual position?
Me goin' down or 69'in it up, but also just good ol' me on top or her on top cowboy or what-have-you
38. What's your favorite sex act?
Um I dunno, oral? Especially eatin' out OMG That and giving facials I suppose :)
39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Yeah, it sucks