Stupid tired


*blows off dust*

A year, huh? I should actually post someday.

I wish I could say cool stuff's been going on, but it hasn't. Just me puttin' around, doing nothing of great interest...EXCEPT eating great food and going to cool joints! Take Brats Brothers, for instance. Great German food, great beers (bier) on tap! Like, Spaten Optimator! Yumyum

Um, what else...? Oh yeah, been going to the tiki joint called "The Tonga Hut" a lot lately. It's pretty kitsch cool, but I fucking should refrain because I drink and get all stupid drunk like an idiot there. Rum + fruit + sugar + etc. = bloated, fat, hangover time.

What-all you been up to? If you still exist since it's been a year?

'Nother day

So today's the anniversary of the first date I had with my ex.

That was after years of avoiding would-be pursuers. I mean, like, 7 years.

I still ain't got much to show for it now but I'm gonna keep truckin' I suppose. Wish I had a little cabin in the mountains near a lake or somethin so I could just sit with me and my dog and watch the sun come up and go down until it didn't shine anymore, just let the world slip on by

I'm so done with (real name expunged to protect the not-so-innocent) it's ridiculous, if only our consciousnesses could get reassigned.

Or we could at least take vacations into other lives
that would be best

Fuckin' one week vacation as some rich-ass dude or something

I'd totally do that shit

Fantasy Island style

I'd totally be Mr. Rourke if I could, man. Anyone wanna come to the Island? Where's my Tattoo?

'Eyyy the friggin' plane, boss!

(Yeah in my reality Tattoo is played by the Fonz)



I can't blame the world.

Nobody knows me. Nobody knew me!

How could they

All I know is, I can't keep the battle going. Fight,'s way too hard to do anything.

When I was a kid, I watched my dad destroy everything. He had a faithful wife, a good job, two kids--in fact, two others from a previous marriage, he had cars, a house, etc.

But he threw it all away

I watched him throw it all away, for trash

As I grew up, I couldn't invite people to my house. I didn't ask girls out. They would have needed to come by my house at some point, met my parents at some point.

He took and took and took, stealing things from all of us, stealing our food from our plates, stealing and stealing, and horded. He horded and horded. Piles of trash. Plastic bags full of plastic bags. Used Kleenexes. Used napkins. Old bottles of NyQuil he'd drunk in lieu of drink, so he could still keep with his A.A. meetings and buddies.

Everything was spoiled, broken. Dusty. Dirty. Piles of old clothes under piles of old clothes--so bad that he had to put throw rugs down over the piles so he could walk, then piled up on top of them like a layer cake.

The smell was horrible from his room. When he opened the door it was disgusting. I remember getting up to a foul odor, which I knew meant I had to go walk down the hall and shut his door again. The door couldn't close properly because he had so many clothes on hooks hanging on it that it hung wrong.

He greedily took everything, and I guess he took my life. On this day some 6 years ago I got an e-mail, thought I'd give love and life another go. Asked out by an admirer. Usually, I'd ignored those. It'd been so long since I dated that on that day I was wishing I could go back 10 years and relive my past relationship, and today I find myself doing the same. Fix the fuck-ups. Not ignore the fact that she wasn't as into me as I was her.

This is a shitty day and I don't want to struggle.

Do you guys have days like this???

I'm so alone. I sit alone all day, except for phone calls. I go home alone. I talk to Ma about her problems, which are usually the same about her boss driving her crazy (same here). I meet with my ex sometimes because she needs someone to talk to and has no others, really, outside her family. But beyond that she feels nothing for me anymore, no cuddling or sex or love. Just the money she needs.

Of which I have very little!

I don't know anyone here. I don't know anyone anywhere. I go to my jazz bar where they know me by name but I don't reveal anything. I never can. It's like I've always had these horrible walls around me. I guess this sort of abuse does this.

I'm a collected thing that can't get out of its little cage.

But I'm so tired. You guys probably don't understand this fatigue. Every single minute of every day is a struggle. I think about social things, but I can't do them. Even if I found someone to even chat with now it would be out of pity, I suppose. No merits.

I want to sleep

But so today maybe I'll try and just go do something silly and crazy just to keep my mind off of things. 10 years, 10 years, damn I need respite from looking to the past. There's no future, tho'.

I just know I'm done with the fight, done with the walls



I'm certain I've done this one up already but sex is fun to talk about so here we gOOOOOOOO000 OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BOY WHATS FOR DINNER I HOPE SHEMADE LOTSA SPAGHETTII!111

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
"Friends list," eh? Um, contacts? Or just friends you mean? Yeah I'd consider it with a friend or two, *ahem* Let that apple of dischord land there, you dudes're all gonna be like "OMG who does he Her? Wha?"

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
All three, please. I like long weekends of lounging, cuddling, and oftentimes, sexing it up over and over.

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I ain't got a big enough bed and this ain't nothin' to do with no sex maymmmmmm DAYUMMMM NEPHEW

4. Do you masturbate?
Lots! My ex was all "MEH. I dun masturbate, no no no!" So I was like "OK hon!" but inside I was like "AHHH-HAHH!!! You are a liar, muahahaha"

5. How often? Lately?
Lots! Lately, yes! Last night as a matter of fact but not to finish, TMI LAND HOORAY

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
No, ah ha ha I would tho'!!! TOTALLY I'd do that shit, even for like $5! Money's good, broseph!

7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
Showers of ... pow...power..... ?

8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Yeah, it's kinda lame but I would totally do that again. Just sneek in behind someone all like "let's rockit" (has that stupid Herbie Hancock song stuck in his head, thinks of the '80s)

9. Do you watch/read pornography?
Yep! Lots! I hate studio porn because it's lame as fucking lame-ass hipsters all fuckin' sitting around outside concerts waiting for the band to play that "one" song so they go rushing back in only then. Lame as hell. And the chicks and dudes are ugly fucking ugglers. Fuck'em. But amateur? Like, "I'mma take some photos w/my boyfriend!" or whatever types? FUCK YEAHRRRRRGHH

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
I like both, but I gotta say "passive" must be the wrong term. I mean, do they just sit there like a limp, dead fish?
"Might as well. *keeps reading*"
Fuck that shit

11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
"Friends list" again. I love friends--as in, like, I care about 'em because they're my friends! But "in love" love?! Whaaaa?

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
Jeezus dude this friends list shit has to stop, I don't social network really

13. Would you choose love or money?
I would bitterly say "money" but it's not true

14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
ORAL ORAL and ORAL. Giving and getting. Fuckin love going down!!
I also love cum and love to see it on my lover or get all wet n juicy or whatever.
Nibbling is great too

15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Yeah. I was all kinds of not happy sextime that I shouldn't talk about because it'll bring everyone down, but let's just say non-happy stuff happened and it doesn't happen anymore. Other'n that, like, I been groped sometimes by gross-ass dudes or chicks at the bar next door to my jazz bar before and that is definitely gross and not cool in any way, shape, or form but I'm usually the sheepish guy who just kinda chuckles and thinks "FUCKING GROSS"

16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Romantic? Outdoors in my favorite park (it's not a city park really but like nestled into the mountains with a stream and woods and nature and shit). Coyotes came near us, too. It was really late and we weren't supposed to be there. BUT IT KICKED ASSSSSSS YEAHHHRRGHHHHH *man-grunts*

17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Weirdest, eh? Prolly in front of a camera once and I'm not giving more details but lemme just say that was weird and it involved things going on the internet I'd rather delete if I had superpowers

18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
ALLLLMOST, like one time I came downstairs w/my gal and Ma came in and was like "Oh hello" and it was like "Oh shit" because gee, what could we have been doin in my bedroom when she was away, you know? NO!!!!!!! NONONOONONNO Film at 11. Maybe not.

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
OK kiddies, story time.
So Santa Barbara is the most BORING PLACE IN HISTORY!! I went there for college and it was like I was floating in some limbo wondering what life was like. Anyway, everything's almost always closed and it's all so shitty you don't care if it's open or not in the first place.
So my friend's like, "Hey man let's go walk State Street" (read: the only street that has anything on it practically besides crappy housing) and so like he drove me down there and was like "What's over here?" and "Let's turn here!" and shit.
Eventually we end up at this shit strip club his fucking juvenile-minded ass goes to all the time (sorry bro but you know you're a kid at heart) and like I'm all "FFFFFFFuck no" and he's like "hee hee!!"
He claims there's no cover charge and so I'm like "OK just get it over with" and in we go.
There is a cover.
So I'm like "No"
And he's like "I'll pay!!"
So in we go.
Contents of wallet: $0
The bar chick is like "You want a drink?" so he buys me a Coke (real generous dude) and I'm sitting there, watching porn on one TV, but the news on the other. Some chick's all spreadin her vag. I'm like "OK." He's standing right in front of her like this 8D OMFG I'm not even kidding that's what that emoticon was made for.
He turns to me and says, "Weird, huh!?!"
I'm like "Not weird, man, just kinda lame."
And then he sneaks off to get lapdances, some chick comes and keeps propositioning me to buy lapdances, I have no money, I tell them many times I have no money, she dances, I don't pay attention, she gets pissed, he comes out and offers a lapdance because he's getting ANOTHER ONE WTF and ...
Suffice it to say it was lame and gross and it smelled like fog machines and was lame.

20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
I mean, what??
How does one do this? I must go to the wrong bars because I go there and meet folks and meet chicks even, but it's not hook-up land. I guess I don't go to clubs where they grind on each other like the news warned me my teenage daughter is doing (Wow, I have a teen-aged daughter? Thanks news! Now I gotta go hire a private dick to find that beyotch and be like, on Geraldo all reunioned. Geraldo's relevant, right?)

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?

22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
Lots of times but it never went nowheres because I'm not RANDOM SEX MAN

23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?

24. What's your sexuality?
I love chicks!! THo' I honestly have had experience the other way. I'm bi like 80/20 for chicks o somethin.

25. Had sex in a movie theater?
No, but I mean, fondling sure

26. Had sex in a bathroom?
NO FUCK THAT--wait, yeah! My own!

27. Have you ever had sex at work?
I've MASTURBATED at work but that's because I work alone ha ha ha

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
Yep! Plenty of times! They're lame but well-stocked in fodder for puerile sniggering

29. Bought something from an adult store?
Yes! KY Jelly

30. Do you own any sex toys?

31. If yes, how many and what are they?

32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Yep! You want some?? Just send me $$!! lol

33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?

34. Have you ever had phone sex?
Yeah, it was awkward lol Skype isn't as awkward but I can't say I'm Mr. Man About Town there, neither

35. Have you ever had cyber sex?
Yeah, tons of times, it's not like real sex dudes lol

36. Do you think oral sex constitutes a form of intercourse?
Naturally! It should! It's fucking crazy worth getting a promotion from just an "activity."

37. What's your favorite sexual position?
Me goin' down or 69'in it up, but also just good ol' me on top or her on top cowboy or what-have-you

38. What's your favorite sex act?
Um I dunno, oral? Especially eatin' out OMG That and giving facials I suppose :)

39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Yeah, it sucks

Yay for yay

First of all, about today's little "writer's block" prompt:

"If you could become a member of the opposite sex for just one day, what would you do?"

I mean, masturbate like a friggin' lunatic? I'm pretty sure everyone's thinking of at least trying it.

But anyway w/e

I'm fuckin annoyed at life right now like a freakster funster maniac. I wanna go home so bad. And sleep.

Do you guys like jazz??! Sometimes I feel so goddamn alien. I love it.


Seriously anyone wants to hang out come to Casey's Tavern on Sunday, Thursday, or Saturday and I'll be like "right on!!"


Hey guys

Life's been kickin me in the nuts a lot, but lately I'm like "well, I mean...that's sorta the way it works man!" And I've finally seen it as just challenges. Everyone's always really got stuff to do, and stuff to go through, and all this. It really is just how you look at it. And you can't kinda cower in some kind of wallowing sadness; you just gotta do stuff.

So I'm being proactive and centered and focused. I wrote tonight for the first time in a long, long time. I have a clear concept for a novel now. It'll be a while (of course!) but I wrote some 15 pages or so like a madman all possessed and crap.

Maybe I'll just give in and short story it as usual.

Oh well, it'll be something!!

But now I'm tired so sleep yay....

BTW, for clarification on earlier, quite possibly the only love in my life found out about my past and my "peculiar likes" as far as fetish and what-not. I never cheated on her or anything like that but she's very sheltered and can't understand certain things, so she dumped me in a most horrid way, taking lots of money and stuff. Calling me evil, crazy, worthless, etc. We still talk and we're still kinda close and all but it's vanished and I felt like crumbling and melting and frying like a egg on our hot, hot sidewalks (really it's hot here) for like 7 months. Now, I just kinda feel like relaxin and watching the world go by.

Barring a miracle, this seriously spells the end

I hate console wars

They're always annoying nuisances

But I also happen to really like the free online, the controller, and exclusives of the PS3. I also like Japanese gaming, which is still mainly on handhelds and the PS3. I like old PS1 and PS2 games, and while I can no longer play PS2 games on my PS3, I still play PS1 title often enough.

It has its problems. Yes, I know. I know 360 fanatics are gonna rabidly attack me for saying I like the PS3 and PS3 nuts are gonna do the same when I admit that the 360 handles a lot of things, well, a lot better. There are way more demos and downloadable titles on the 360, which is something I just can't understand about the PS3 (why doesn't Sony release its full catalog for download?? It makes no sense. Every time I check for an update, it seems like they've only put some 2 or 3 dull titles up, or none at all).

Anyway, all that debate is pointless to people like myself, who basically just buy whatever we like. So this post has nothing to do with system war idiocy, and I honestly hate nothing more than today's useless internet nonsense where everyone's a stupid pundit trying to sling stuff around and wear their stupid trollface.

But yeah, this is totally unacceptable. This is no way to handle things. I think it's more than just a little misstep. Sony is definitely going down. They're gonna go the way of Nintendo when the N64, GameCube, and VirtuaBoy messed them over. The only thing they can hope for now is to hit a gimmick.

I don't think everyone understands just how big the trouble they're in is. I'd say, like, "C'mon, guys! Get it together!" But at this point I really don't see that it's possible. If I owned stock in Sony, I'd totally sell it all immediately because there's no way that company will ever make a good decision. How could you put your faith even in the Bravia line?? If anything ever happened, they'd make huge blunders left and right.

Sony, your video games division is seriously a cancer, you need to just cut it out.

Is there a way

to shut LiveJournal the fuck up?

I mean, it's not a bad site and all, but I really hate coming here and it's like "you has like 300,000 messages!!!!!!" and then it's just the fucking news bitches.

I don't care.

I don't care about special promos, or campaigns, or wtf everses. I just want somewhere to post my stupid brain.

And I wanna follow my small list o' friends (hi, guys!).

That's it.

I don't wanna hear some b.s. from your PR nonsense gangster computer gods.

*back to work*


I've come to the conclusion that I'm just plain nuts.

I mean, I'm not joking around like, "Ohh, that BillyRabbit! He so crazy!! lawlz! What is he up to now, the little scamp?"

I mean, nuts.

My dad was nuts. He was nuts and he treated me and my family very badly. As a result, I mean...I ended up nuts! I look over the crap I look at, my weird fetishes, my fantasy fetishes.... I mean, I live in fantasies.

I'm no sex god. DUN-DUN-DUNNN!!!!! (film at 11!)

I used to casually post about stuff like all "oh yeah, blah blah blah advice" and stuff as if I had lots of practice or something. But I don't.

I only had the one girlfriend. Everything else was stupid online fantasy stuff.

And I mean, really online fantasy!

What sucks is that now it comes back to haunt me. Nobody deletes erotic stories or images or whatever; it's all over the internet. These days, people find out one of your e-mail aliases and beeps and bloops with Google and finds out every kink you've ever kinked out (including what Kinks albums you own).

I mean, look at my horrible likes/dislikes on whatever-the-hell-its-called (those sites that show your furry "scene" inclinations)! They're all fucked up.

So I guess what I'm getting at is, like, wtf is this all about? It's fine for youthful people to be virginal and talk about weird stuff on the net and look at kinky art and stuff because they don't know what sex is like yet. I remember hearing a comedian one time doing a "Lake-Wobegone-esque" thing in which he narrates a supposed nostalgic event from his own youthful eyes, and he was talking about some older woman he had a crush on. One line, he was like "I bet it (her *ahem*) smelled good and fresh...something like Crest (the toothpate)!"

I know how it is to think that way. I know people in their youth, before they mature, have weird concepts that kinda vanish away once they find someone real.

So I many of us are in that same boat here?? I've had a sexual partner now for 6 years. And yet, she still found shadows of the past that never can be erased. To be honest, since I still troll these art galleries and have been on Taps on and off, am I ever getting "over" this immature world view??

I dunno, I guess this whole journal is another one of those "how old are we expected to keep doing this?" things. But I think the events of my past week or so have been eye-opening to the sobering reality that I'm nuts.

And I need to start avoiding the "seedy" side of the internet.

What do you guys think??
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable uncomfortable

Blargh, fuggin'...grrrrargh!! (Plus, Black Swan!)


went to see Black Swan with my 여자친구 all up in this build~~~~ *pours beer on ground for fallen homeys*

Dude that was some black swan, for realz!

Natalie Portman: Prefect!! It was Ford Prefectz!!!lolz

I like when she masturbates. And gets eaten out.

(Whoops, SPOILERS!!)

Also, she's nuts in the film (oh no, more spoilerzz!!!!!)

All the oddball nonsense idiotic babbling aside, it was a pretty good movie. I like movies that are crafted from just one person's perspective, where their mind fills the screen and you're no really sure what's reality and what isn't. Like Memento.

It did have some disturbing imagery, and for me, it was a little predictable, but it also was nowhere near as confusing as everyone claimed it to be. It would on the surface appear like a negative version of Shine, if you will; a depiction of someone's tortured life relating to art and obsession. However, to me, it was something more; it commented on really what it means to be any human being trying to make it in the world, while at the same time struggling with their "pure" identity held over them by the Freudian mother figure (who is pretty much literally embodied by her mother in the film).

As for Ms. Portman's acting, I've always liked her, but I can say that this was really the first great role I've seen of hers. She does a fantastic job and was believable throughout--difficult, considering the film is basically a portrait and her face seems on-screen some 90% of the time.

The visuals were great, as I said before.

I can recommend this film, but I do have to caution that it's not for everyone. Don't go if you're squeamish. My gal closed her eyes, and I think she actually cried she was so freaked out by the imagery. She'd probably get pissed I said so, but that's her way. She even complained about the aforementioned masturbation scenes because the concept kinda creeps her out.

Such is life.

Me, I was all, "FUKYEAHR NATALIE, do it girl! Rockit! By Herbie Hancock!"*

Discuss amongst yourselves! (o zero readers)

*--I hate that song btw